the mail

Diane Abbott and the curious case of the illegal mojito.


WORDS: Punk Food Bandita

The Sun newspaper today, in a traditional attempt to manufacture outrage over absolutely nothing, printed a story about the shocking crime of Diane Abbott being pictured drinking a mojito on a train.

They’ve somehow managed to make this amazing non-story cover an entire page, which mainly consists of repetitions of how this  is against the law and two identical and pointless descriptions of what a mojito actually is. There was no suggestion that she was unruly, rowdy or even made eye contact with anyone. Yet, according to this pinnacle of high end journalism, she was apparently “slammed” for this outrageous behaviour.

By who, I hear you ask. Who actually gave a pixie’s chuff about a woman drinking an 8% pre-mixer on a train? Well, two people who you are almost certain never to have heard of and never will again after this. First there was Susan Hall, who wonders how Abbott can “have any credibility when she is willing to break the law”. She is a Conservative party member, describes herself as a proud Brexiteer, and is also a member of the London Assembly’s police and crime committee. Susan thinks all Met police should carry tasers and likes to ponder the legalities of Diane Abbott day drinking. She also likes to spend time trash talking Extinction Rebellion protestors on twitter while staying surprisingly quiet-considering her position- on the legalities Of Met police officers having sex with environmental protesters under false identities, despite this clearly being defined as rape under the sexual offences act.

Then there’s Mick Neville, described as a ‘retired’ Scotland Yard detective chief inspector who thinks action should be taken against the Shadow Home Secretary as “a deterrent to others”. Mick is a vehemently anti EU UKIP supported who claimed he was forced out of the Met for his anti immigration and gay marriage views because they are more concerned about being politically correct.

Can’t think of a single reason why either of these people might not like Diane Abbott, can you? 

Say what you like about the legalities of her actions, at least she wasn’t drinking on the job. We’ve  become accustomed to our MP’s quaffing champagne in the Commons bar before meeting to give them enough Dutch courage to vote for lethal sanctions on disabled people and then falling asleep. We’re positively nostalgic for the days where George Osborne used to rock up smacking his lips and rolling his eyes like he was in a warehouse in 1993.

Let’s be honest, we only really abide by the laws that we want to, and we only start quoting the law over petty misdemeanours when it happens to be someone we don’t like breaking them. While in the last week about half the country have been googling “how can I watch Game Of Thrones Season 8 for free”, and being entirely willing to scout out some illegal downloading sites for a chance of a glimpse of Sansa Starks tits, it seems bizarre that anyone would find this interesting. So when the tabloids start trying to make an issue out of it, and if you find yourself agreeing with their drivel, it’s time to ask yourself what your agenda behind the false offence is.