WORDS: Gary Kelly
Yes, you read the headline correctly. This is not a drill. This is not satire. Some bloke who presents a car programme in the arse end of cable TV that nobody had heard of until now has stuck his rank penis in Boris’ pint. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, the People’s Princess….Fuzz Townshend.
As you can see, good old Fuzz here is a bit of a stinker, I like to think his bell was, and is, well cheesy. And by cheesy I mean like a fine Provence Brie, which has been left on a bench next to the side of an Aga whilst Jean-Jacques absentmindedly takes a spin in his 2CV through the lavender fields, at the height of summer.
That is the cock you want stirring up Boris’s pint. Fuzz’s cock. The People’s cock. Attached to the People’s Champion, good old Fuzz. Who incidentally was the drummer in Pop Will Eat Itself, and they stank of sweat, 3 day speed binges, transit vans and cider. Imagine that man broth coating Boris’s gizzard. Lovely stuff.
Fuzz, the current presenter of Car SOS on the National Geographic channel -no me neither- said that Boris had no idea what had happened. “Boris arrived as it was my round. So I said ‘Would you like a drink?’ “I was drinking a pint of real ale and he said ‘What’s that like?’ I said it was pretty good so he said ‘I’ll have one of those.’”
Fuzz said he had to wait for staff to change the barrel before they could pull Mr Johnson’s pint, so brought his friends’ drinks back to the table first.
He added: “Then I had to go back in for the pints. I got the pints and as I turned round I noticed that to my left was the gents’ toilets.
“I needed a wee but when I was in the loo I thought ‘This is an opportunity of a lifetime.’”
Fuzz said he then entered the gents and dipped his penis in Mr Johnson’s beer.
Arise Sir Fuzz. The People’s Champion exclaimed all.
If any of you are making the mistake of feeling sorry for Boris at any point, then feel free to watch this and realise that not all heroes wear capes. Cock Will Eat Itself.